Yes, it's about that time.

Despite the fact that one of the main things I would look forward to if I were ever a father would be to proudly answer “FUCK NO” when my kids asked me if I ever voted for George W. Bush, even I have to admit when he gets something right. And this might be one of those times. Cue the gasps.

Lost in today’s subterfuge about delaying the presidential debate and Bush’s “Oh shit” speech about the economy was a little story about the administration’s opposition to a bill that’s been making its way through the Democratic Congress with little trouble, having passed a vote in the Senate Judiciary Committee. Normally, the Bush administration opposing a Democratic bill would make me roll my eyes, but not this time.

The bill in question was The Enforcement of Intellectual Property Rights Act, which has been criticized by digital rights groups as being a “gift” to Hollywood, the RIAA and copyright holders in general. The bill would do the following, according to Wired: 

The Enforcement of Intellectual Property Rights Act creates a Cabinet-level copyright-patent czar charged with creating a worldwide plan to combat piracy. The czar would “report directly to the president and Congress regarding domestic and international intellectual property enforcement programs.”

The bill, nearly identical to the version the House passed last year, encourages government anti-piracy task forces, the training of other countries about IP enforcement and, among other things, institutes an FBI piracy unit.

In addition, the bill would also give the Justice Department “the power to prosecute civil cases of copyright infringement.” The Justice Department itself responded to this bill in a letter to Senators Patrick Leahy and Arlen Specter, in which it said that it “strongly” opposes the bill because of the fear that it would not only interfere with the criminal cases the Department already prosecutes, but that it could result in Justice Department officials serving as “pro bono lawyers for private copyright holders regardless of their resources.” More from Wired:

The Justice Department said the private sector should remain responsible for enforcing its copyrights in federal civil lawsuits.

“Civil copyright enforcement has always been the responsibility and prerogative of private copyright holders, and U.S. law already provides them with effective legal tools to protect their rights,” the Justice Department and Commerce Department wrote.

The government agencies wrote that the proposal “could result in Department
of Justice prosecutors serving as pro bono lawyers for private copyright holders regardless of their resources. In effect, taxpayer-supported department lawyers would pursue lawsuits for copyright holders, with monetary recovery going to industry.”

Okay, so they’re opposing it for typically Republican reasons (i.e. a concern for taxpayer money), but um…

Well…

…

Good fucking job, guys. I mean, bravo. Seriously. I’m not a fiscal conservative, but this is one issue I just have to break rank on. Creating a cabinet-level Patent Czar, among the other things this bill does, is a colossal waste of money and manpower. The FBI, for instance, has much bigger and better things to do than hunt down people illegally downloading Rihanna albums. If you’re going to create more bureaucracy to fight a war you can’t win, you might as well start setting money on fire. These cases are ridiculous to begin with, but if they’re going to happen anywhere, they need to stay in civil court away from government involvement. Giving the Justice Department the power to prosecute file sharers would essentially give them a blank check to use against people downloading music, and we’ve all seen what the Justice Department can do with unchecked power.

The “War On Piracy” has become the new drug war, an endless conflict that is the epitome of trying to cut the heads off a hydra. Lawmakers and the record companies stubbornly think they can “win” by throwing money and manpower at this and suing people out of house and home, but it’s impossible to claim victory when there are stories like this in the news seemingly every day. In fact, I’d argue that winning a war on piracy is even more impossible than the drug war, if only because the single biggest “enablers” of piracy are search engines, and you can’t do anything to restrict them, lest you destroy one of the pillars of the internet. The second that search engines get restricted (and parental controls don’t count), it suddenly opens the door for anything to be restricted. And that’s a dangerous precedent to set for the internet.

But that’s nothing new. What is new is the fact that, for one day, I’m kind-of-sort-of-not-really-okay-maybe-just-a-tad-oh-God-really-yes-a-smidgen proud of George W. Bush.

Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a balcony that needs jumping off of.